Life is full of double entendre, if you catch my drift. From powdering our noses, to burning the midnight oil, to feeling worse for wear, we human beings have developed sophisticated double-speak for disguising what it is we really mean.
And just like HR meetings, relationships, bodily functions and school plays, hiking is also full of these euphemisms. We won't beat about the bush: often when trogging uphill with your beloved or a close pal, certain phrases can slip out, and they're certainly not what they seem on first utterance.
So, here's our expert translation of exactly what your hiking partner means when they say things like "it's not far now," "it should be around here somewhere" and "shut up before I forcibly remove your larynx".
1. “Not far now!”
Translation: We’re probably halfway, if that, but I don't want you to find out because if you do, my life will be in danger.
They’ve said "not far now" approximately six times in the past hour, and of course, you'd love to believe them. But you know that the top you can see is yet another false summit. And the one beyond it is, too. They are lying to you because actually, it is far now. Better have a jelly baby.
2. “Let’s take a quick water break”
Translation: I’m dying. My soul left my body an hour ago, and someone has since stuffed my lungs with pencil shavings. If we don't stop now for five minutes, I will surely perish.
Like a dish sponge that hasn’t seen liquid since the Thatcher administration, you need to absorb as much water as possible while mentally preparing yourself for the next few kilometres (and digesting the fact that Right to Buy was probably a bad idea in the long run).
Oh, and don't sit down because then "quick" becomes 15 minutes and you won't want to get back up again.
3. “You’re doing great!”
Translation: You're far less fit than you said you were, but please don’t give up now, because I can’t carry you back to the car by myself.
Pedants among us would prefer "you're doing well", but we know that's not the truth either.
To add to the humiliation, this little motivational nugget is often delivered when you’re hunched over on the side of a steep path, sucking air through gritted teeth and trying not to maim your partner who has the VO2 max score of an Olympian. It’s a hollow encouragement — but you take it. You need to take it.
4. “I'm sure it's around here somewhere.”
Translation: We are absolutely, categorically, catastrophically lost.
Perhaps your partner is fiddling with a paper map that looks like it was issued during the Cold War. Perhaps they’re squinting at a phone screen muttering, “I thought this was a church with a steeple...” Either way, you’re going to see some very creative route improvisation soon.
And if you want our advice when this phrase pops out? Say nothing back. Especially not, "I told you it was the other gate earlier and you didn't listen, just like you never listen to me ever, Steve."
5. “The weather’s holding up nicely, isn’t it?”
Translation: In approximately 15 minutes, we’re going to be blasted by several cubic metres of sideways rain.
The clouds are drawing together like a pair of belligerent eyebrows. The wind is licking your earlobes and your internal barometer has just dropped like a pair of sunglasses in a boating lake. But the downpour is still 10 minutes away, so there's just enough time to leave your waterproof jacket in the bag and pretend everything is just fine.
6. “I think this shortcut will save us some time.
Translation: Prepare to bushwhack through thorny undergrowth for the next hour.
“Shortcut” is hiker-speak for “let’s make this even harder for ourselves.” It’s unclear why humans think leaving a perfectly decent path is a good idea, but here you are, crawling through bracken and regretting everything you agreed to in the last hour. Curse your hiking partner and their bloody shortcut. (But praise be to the lord for inventing permethrin.)
My own hiking partner and I have actually developed our own euphemistic word for this practice. We call it questing. I'll say something like "what's the fastest way to the summit?" and he'll say "helicopter, but seeing as that's not an option, we'll have to quest for it."
7. “I’m sure the view will be worth it.”
Translation: This better be good, because my leg-bones are about to file for divorce from my hip-bones, and once that's done, then I'm filing for divorce from you.
At this point, you’re putting all your faith in a postcard-worthy summit. Your hiking partner has no actual idea if the view will be spectacular, but optimism is all you’ve got left, because you know they'll take the kids when the time comes.
This phrase is even funnier when the clag comes in at 600m and you just know the higher up you go the less view you're going to get.
8. “This is meant to be the best bit of the hike.”
Translation: We’re both going to need counselling when this is over, but let’s pretend it’s fine.
The “best bit” is often steep, slippery, or so exposed that you’re gripping onto rocks for dear life. Your hiking partner, ever the PR manager for this disaster, insists this is fun. It isn’t.
9. “Mind your footing here.”
Translation: There’s a 90% chance you’ll slip and land on your arse, and you know what, I'd love to see that happen, actually.
This is your hiking partner’s way of escaping blame. They did warn you, and they'll say that they warned you when you do inevitably go over.
In Scotland, we're more direct. Instead of saying "mind your footing here," we'll say "dinnae tummel yer wilkies". Which is much clearer.
10. “We’ll stop for lunch at the top.”
Translation: We’re not stopping for another eternity, so have a handful of peanuts and shut up, Linda.
Like every good sadomasochist, your partner has the lunch stop mentally pegged as some distant, glorious reward.
It doesn't matter that it's gone 1pm and your stomach has been screaming down your vagus nerve for the last 20 minutes. You're not stopping until the summit cairn and the quicker you accept that, the better.
11. “Look at that bird! I think it’s a peregrine falcon/lesser crested swooptitty/penguin!”
Translation: I’m desperately trying to become Bill Oddie to distract you from how miserable this climb is.
Is that bird actually a ground-nesting throtnoodle? Probably not. But have you thought about how steep this hill is in the last two minutes? Absolutely. Your partner has failed miserably in their mission because they are not, in fact, Bill Oddie.
12. “We should definitely do this again sometime”
Translation: We will never, ever do this again. Until next week.
Hikers, like dogs and golf balls, forget trauma quickly. You’ll emerge from the moorland windburned, aching and damp in all the wrong places. And yet, as you sit in the car peeling your socks off to reveal the brain-like beginnings of trenchfoot, someone will say it:
“Same time next Saturday?” And you’ll say yes in a heartbeat.
Need some inspiration? Here's our pick of the best hikes in the UK.
About the author
Fliss Freeborn is a writer for LFTO who has long suffered at the hands of various hiking euphemisms, and various hiking partners. Her background in linguistics, coupled with a tendency only to mince the words she intends to stuff into dumplings, means she is fully adept at accurate translations such as these. She can be hired as a Bill Oddie impersonator for a small fee.