Planning a holiday with your bestie is meant to be a relaxing, fun-filled escape – unless, of course, one of those friends happens to be mega into the outdoors.
Sure, they’ll be great at finding scenic spots and carrying heavy backpacks, but trust us, holidaying with a hiker comes with a unique set of relentless inconveniences. Which we were once polite enough to call "quirks".
Yup, while the rest of you are dreaming of poolside cocktails, your hiker pal is plotting the best route to the summit of Mount What’s-Its-Name. They’ll treat every stroll like an Olympic event and every meal like a re-fuelling pitstop for a week long endurance test.
So before you say yes to that trip, take a moment to consider these painful reasons you might want to leave your hiking friend at home.
Say goodbye to looking fashionable
While you're planning your Insta-worthy outfits, your hiker friend will proudly show up with one (small) bag of garishly coloured hiking clothes, walking boots or crocs that look like they’ve survived Chernobyl, and absolutely no regard for the concept of “beach chic.”
You'll have to tell them to Cock-a-doodle-don't
Forget lazy lie-ins. Every morning, you’ll be woken up at 5am with the promise of “a magical sunrise at the summit". Spoiler: it’s always uphill, and there’s never coffee waiting at the top.
They're a guaranteed snack attacker
The hiker will out-eat everyone in your group. Twice over. “But I burned 3,000 calories on our walk today!” they’ll say, as they demolish your snacks, their snacks and your emergency stash of chocolate in the top of the fridge.
They're a way-finding warrior
While the rest of you are happy to get yourselves around using your phones, they’ll whip out a giant, flappy, ancient paper map like they’re starring in Race across the World. It's only to get to a cafe, Janet.
Pool days, schmool days
As you lounge by the pool with a margarita, they’ll mutter things like, “I just can’t sit here all day". Five minutes later, they’re pacing like a caged baboon, plotting their next “wee adventure.”
They obsess over numbers
They can’t just admire a view – they’ll also need to know the exact altitude, ascent rate and whether this qualifies as a “proper climb.”
Endless kit chat will abound
Be prepared to hear lengthy monologues about breathable fabrics and the superiority of telescopic vs foldable trekking poles. It’s like hiking with a walking, talking, breathing, snoring, boring Cotswolds catalog.
Offshoot overload
They’ll drag you down every single “hidden trail” they spot on that paper map, insisting it’s a must-see. This is a lie.
They turn out to be an all-weather freak
You’re basking in the sun in 30°C heat, but your hiker pal refuses to leave without their waterproof jacket, a fleece, and just in case thermal leggings. British rain paranoia runs deep.
You will be walking everywhere
While everyone else hops into a cab, the hiker declares, "It’s just a short 5km walk to the supermarket!" Short? By the time they arrive back home, your ice cream will be vanilla soup, and you’ll have to hear about how great it is to get some fresh air. Again.
They’re always ahead. Quite literally
On any group walk, they’ll be 300 meters in front of you, occasionally yelling motivational phrases like, “Come on! You’re almost there!” even though you’re not. You're really not.
They have blister blindness
Your cries about the growing population of blisters on your feet will be met with a shrug. “You just need to toughen up! I once hiked 10 miles with a gangrenous left foot and half a flapjack for company.” Very comforting.
You'll get bored of the endless walking anecdotes
Every scenic spot, every winding path – good god, every stone seems to remind them of “that one time in Corsica/California/the Alps” (delete as appropriate), which you’ll hear about in excruciating detail – whether you ask to or not.
About the author
Fliss Freeborn is a hiker who tends only to go on holiday with other hikers. She is also a staff writer for LFTO who lives in Glasgow and is never not wearing at least two layers of Primaloft.